Bleak Holiday Monday.

Tomorrow is Bank Holiday Monday, the 31st of August.

Six years ago my beloved sixteen year old son left the house in the early hours of the morning, while the family slept.

I went to church, as usual, thinking that he was out for a walk or to get cigarettes; he was a typical teen and didn't always remember to tell me where he was going,although it was unusual for him to be up and about so early.

My husband later called me from the church service to tell me that my son was dead, his body found at the foot of the cliffs, broken and lifeless.

Time stood still for a moment; my heart broke. My life, as it had been, ended. It took just three words. The hardest words that My Man has ever uttered. There is no deeper grief than that felt at the death of your child. No greater loss. A piece of me is missing, gone forever. Torn from me in that moment, leaving a scar that never heals.

I see echoes of him in his younger brother. The way his fingers curl as he dunks his bread in his soup...the cheeky, sideways grin that he gives me when he knows he is 'pushing his luck'. It is at once comforting and heartbreaking.

I mourn him each day. I am haunted by regrets and guilt. I failed him!
I tried. I did all I knew how, but I failed. I will carry this with me until my physical life ends, until then I will remain a shadow of the mother I wanted to be, drifting through life. Merely existing.

Peace be with you, son. I miss you!

Expectations ...and disappointments.

I have a 'difficult' relationship with my mother. It is, in fact, practically non-existent as she is what could truthfully be termed 'toxic'.

Earlier in the year I had reason to lend her money. I was the only family member in a position to do so and I could see no way around it. I had a feeling it would cause me trouble and I was right!

I lent the money on the agreement that it was paid once her loan came through. She then decided not to go ahead with the loan as she didn't want a debt hanging over her. Of course, owing money to me isn't a debt, for some unfathomable reason!

I had to ask her for repayment. I want to get my own finances on as even a keel as I can manage before we, as a family, become reliant on state benefits. I gave her plenty of notice but had to repeat the request this week.

She asked for an itemised bill so that she could check exactly what she was paying for, disputing amounts in the passive-aggressive style that I am so familiar with, stating her poor 'financial position' etc, etc.
Her attitude reduced me to tears, yet again. Thanks for the support, Mum!!

I try, as a mother, to support my children...to comfort them despite my own situation. Their needs come before mine and always will. I can't do it any other way. . I don't want to. I chose to bring them into this world and take that responsibility seriously.

But then again...we are talking about the woman who didn't speak to me for six weeks following the death of my son..because she considered that i had 'blanked her' at his funeral. She was late(!!) and sat at the back - I was concentrating on following my son's coffin without falling over in despair...I didn't see her!

I expect her to be toxic....now I need to deal with the disappointment more effectively. Forty five years of practice and I still find it difficult.

Does anyone have a good remedy for puffy eyelids??

How much yarn??...

In the light of our current situation I thought I'd check out my yarn stash...just to see how serious the diet was going to be.

With visions of a yarn desert before me, I opened the craft cupboard. Firstly my comfort yarn, my 'blankie' as it were......did I have enough to knit my own socks this year, or were my feet going to be condemned to suffer the chill of a British winter??

Panic over!! The yarn stash revealed that frostbite and chillblains were not to be my fate, despite my concerns to the contrary.....I stopped counting once I'd reached enough for twenty pairs. I refuse to admit that I could, possibly, have enough yarn put by to knit more than that number...

Comforted, I tackled the sweater weight yarns.

With a sigh of relief I realised that I could happily knit a few (notice how vague that quantity is??) of my favourite vintage patterns before needing to restock.

There is also enough laceweight yarn for one or two projects...

So, all in all, the zombie plan is in place. I will be able to knit for a while. Hoorah!!

Now, back to more mundane matters.

Will I be able to feed the children??

Calling the Job Fairy...

If anyone spots the Job Fairy going about her business could they please send her our way?
My Man has been made redundant! He left school at 17 and has never been out of work; has never 'signed on' or claimed benefits. Sadly, he is in for a shock, I fear.

I have lived/struggled as a single parent on benefit. It was not a nice period in my personal history . However, I am at least prepared and have some useful experience that should help us survive.

He has applied for a few jobs already and has a positive attitude, looking into working closer to home to cut down on travelling time. Less money but more time with the family. That has to be good, doesn't it?

'We will be ok!'.....that is my mantra for the time being. We have each other and I can weather anything with him to shield me. He is an excellent husband and a superb father who will do anything in his power to support his family. I need to stay well enough now to support him while he searches for work and enters the rather soul destroying benefits system.

But..at least we do have a benefits system and the NHS. Things could be a whole lot worse! We have a home and each other. It may be a struggle but we will get through it, I'm sure. It's not the first time that I have been battered by life..... and probably not the last, either.

Sunshine at last.

Here comes the sun...is winter really over?
I am seriously considering a lamp for next winter - I'm sure I must be affected by S.A.D.
The sun has peeked around the clouds and we have had a few lovely summer-bright days lately. I have sat in the park after school while the children have expended their energy in the playground. It has been wonderful to be warm and surrounded by light with the evidence of new growth all around.
I feel the urge to dig out the tent and sleeping bags but the nights are still a little too chilly for the sprogs (that's my excuse and I am sticking to it!). Soon, though.
The backyard has gone mad, with huge weeds waving in the breeze and suffocating the few brave tulips that have dared to appear. My task for today is to do battle with the dandelions...wish me luck!

Isn't winter over yet?

This winter has been a particularly bad one for me. The cold, damp weather has affected the M.E badly and I have been unable to knit for some time now. I have spent most of my time flat out on the sofa, gathering enough energy to do the 'school run' and collect the children. I am asleep by the time my husband gets in from work and am really neither use nor ornament at the moment.
I'm hoping that things will improve with the arrival of the warmer weather - sunshine usually improves my mood, if not my level of pain.

Was that the door...?

Yet another day spent awaiting a delivery! I find it so frustrating, hanging around the house, constantly listening for the knock on the door only for the van to arrive while I'm out on the school run.

Today (should) see the delivery of our new dishwasher. The old one gave up the ghost some time ago and we have been waiting for the sales, in hope of a bargain. There is a gaping hole in the run of kitchen units awaiting its arrival.
I find that washing up takes a fairly large part of my energy, particularly if I'm having a bit of a 'baking day'.....it is so much nicer to be able to hide the dirty bowls and utensils away and get them all clean in one go, rather than having to stop and wash up because I'm running out of room or need to use the sink for something else.
Hopefully it will arrive soon and I can get on with my day....I have so much I'd like to achieve and very little energy today, definitely not enough to waste on twitching the curtains every time a vehicle stops outside. Mind you, its the perfect excuse to plonk myself on the sofa and knit...after all, I wouldn't possibly be able to hear the doorknocker from anywhere else in the house, would I?

A return to normal service.

Well, thank heavens for that! With a sigh of relief and joy in my heart I packed the other half off to work (through the snow, no less!) and took the children to school. Peace reigns once more.

It was lovely having them at home and we had lots of fun but I do find it hard to cope without my routine. I need regular rest periods interspersed with short bursts of activity in order to get through the day, achieving all that I need to. This just does not happen when the house is full of folk getting in my way.

It is freezing cold here today and we awoke to a couple of inches of snow. Nothing unusual, you may think - it is January, after all! However, we just don't really 'do' snow. Even if the rest of the country has closed down due to a few inches of the white stuff and My Man has spent all morning getting halfway to work before rail services cease and he has to turn around again. This tail end of the country always seems to miss most of the snowfall. Living by the coast may have something to do with it...salt in the air, my Gran used to say. The snow never hangs around for long, melting quickly into horrible grey slush that makes your feet cold and wet. The cold wind stays, unfortunately....chapping lips and chilling faces. Yuck!

I intend to hibernate once the children are home. One more foray out today to collect them from school and then there will be hot chocolate and biscuits in front of the fire, with a few of the cuddles that I have missed. Dinner is cooking...mmm, lamb stew and dumplings... and the house is warm. What more could I wish for?